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MB Journal Entries: #6 November 16, 2013 - Leilanis or Hula Grill...

The other night I took the beautiful, beach walk all the way from Honokowai to Whaler's Village--it was beautiful feeling the warm, Ocean breeze blow against my face as I walked on the wooden walkway which was illuminated with garden lights as far as the eye can see and the moon and stars glistened off the beautiful waves. While walking I began to have a dilemma. Whether or not I should go to Leilanis or Hula Grill to grab a beer. I decided to call up my friend from college and we began to catch up and talked about everything, and then finally I asked, "Leilani's or Hula Grill?"

So I'm at Leilanis and I'm sitting at the end of the of bar having a beer when all of sudden this girl tells me she is going to join me once she gets off of work.

"Resilience - why things bounce back."

She sits next me (thoughts: she kept her word) and she scoots real close and orders a sashimi and a glass of white wine. I had another IPA, a Great White ale, and a Mirror Pond. We get to talking and she says she is going to be driving into town with her friend to a calendar release party. I mustered up the courage and I asked, "Is it cool if I come roll with you?"

And she replied, "yeah thats fine."

Next thing I know, we are jumping into her silver Cavalier and she whips out a pipe and we smoke a fat bowl as we head back towards Kanappail. Come to find out she lives in this awesome house. We head in and I sit on the couch, stoned out of my mind--the kind of stoned where you know what to say, but you're too nervous to say it because you feel like you're going to sound stupid; therefore, you say nothing at all; however, you ultimately feel lame and embarrassed for sitting in complete silence...Yeah, that kind of stoned. I turned on the tv and started to watch surfing...I hear a knock on the door, and then her friend just opened the door and came in right away. She was really cool and pretty chill. Anyways, we jump back into the Cavalier and we smoked another bowl on the way to the bar. At this point I was pretty fucking high and my head was spinning when we rolled up to the bar.

We walked into the bar and it was jam-packed with a bunch of local people and there was a kick ass DJ spinning some heavy beats with a bunch of beautiful ladies dancing in very small outfits--I was in heaven.

I was squeezed my way up to the bar and couldn't think of what beer to get--let alone get the bartender's attention--so I got the first thing I saw on tap, which was a Sierra Nevada. After that I switched and slugged down a couple of Heinekens, did a few Jager Bombs, and then I turned up like a light bulb baby. I started dancing with everyone and next thing I know I was outside striking a conversation with someone, and then bumming a cigarette.

While smoking the cig I started calling some friends and I finally got ahold of my buddy, Birkett, who was actually just landing in Milwaukee after being in Boulder, Colorado. We talked for a bit, caught up, and the said peace out--Squatum Paul!

Everything was chill. It was the night of a full moon which definitely intensified my situation. We went back to the girl from Leilani's house and had a few glasses of wine, watched BET in bed, and then smoked out of this huge bong. At this point, I don't know what was in that bong, but I was so blazed that I felt like I was tripping. I must have been half awake, then half asleep, and then I had to get up and put my shirt back on, then turn on the lights.

The next morning we woke up and she asked if I was still freaking out. I said no, but I was pretty damn embarrassed and couldn't wrap my head around why I got so high--there must have been some DMT in that bong. I wish I would have never hit that bong and would have just passed out right away. All well, shit happens I guess.

She gave me a ride home and we had somewhat of a good conversation. Hopefully she hits me up sometime soon so we can go on another adventure and preferably one where I don't get so hammered.

I am unsure with regards to my own contemplations. I feel a lost of thought, and a lack of emotion which leaves me empty inside. I bode a life of loneliness, lacking self sustainment and emotional purging. Numb and dull are the quality traits I seem to possess. Although I am a fruitful and outgoing person, who can spark a smile in a second--I only do so to hide the inner depression, loneliness, and despair that is consuming my heart. I know how to talk to women; however, whenever I think I have found the right one, I seem to deem myself unfit or unworthy to have someone love me.

I still know how to love everyone and everything with all of my heart, but my true flaw settles in the fact that I am unable to love myself. A quick depiction of thy lonely life filled with destitute, misery, and pain. For I am too smart for my own good because I am stupid. I don't know how to help people anymore because I have forgotten how to help myself. I have a tendency to be taken advantage of which sprouts weaknesses. I feel as though I am told what to do and do as I am told.

I am destitute standing at the top of the latter watching the crimson fire consume the city of sweat while I peer through the clouds and coincide with the weaknesses I bestow upon myself. I reckon the sickness consumes my entire soul because I can feel the fire pulsating within my very heart. The inequality and the opportunity difference amongst citizens of my own country makes me sick to my stomach. The poor live in slums in dire need of necessities while the rich sit in their surplus homes reminiscing and gossiping about the bullshit news occurring within the poor neighborhoods--as if the poor are a nuisance and vexation to their very lives. However, this idea is complete and utter stupidity because the rich person's "so called" easygoing lifestyle comes from the sheer extortion of the poor man and woman, staying in their slums, and working jobs they don't want to work in order to survive--you can't have one without the other.

Have you ever stared out into the ocean at the end of a sunset and just felt nothing...

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